An Asperger Marriage

by Gisela and Christopher Slater-Walker (2002). Published by Jessica Kingsley Publishers. ISBN 1 843 10 017 7

Foreword by Tony Attwood to ‘An Asperger Marriage’

An adult with Asperger’s Syndrome can develop a successful relationship with a life-long partner. This statement could once have been considered as fantasy, especially as the person with Asperger’s Syndrome and their parents may have had some doubts during their childhood that they would ever have a genuine friend, let alone an intimate relationship. When one considers the diagnostic criteria for Asperger’s Syndrome, clinicians may also doubt that this can be a reality. However, one must recognize several key factors inherent in people with Asperger’s Syndrome and their partner. The person with Asperger’s Syndrome can gradually acquire relationship skills by intellect rather than intuition, especially if they have motivation and guidance in the areas of friendship and relationships. Their partner identifies endearing characteristics of being gentle, reliable and vulnerable and provides tuition in interpersonal skills. As the person with Asperger’s Syndrome matures they can successfully camouflage their social difficulties to their colleagues and acquaintances. However, their family and especially their partner can be aware of significant difficulties in perceiving subtle social cues and knowing the expected response. Unfortunately the achievement of an intimate relationship is at some personal cost both to the person with Asperger’s Syndrome in terms of the mental effort required to maintain the relationship, and to their partner in having to change their expectations of the relationship. This book is the first to examine a successful marriage from both perspectives, and provides knowledge that will be of value, not only to similar couples and individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome who are considering a relationship, but also to the organizations that support relationships.

When one reads Chris’s description of the marriage there could be some initial doubt that he has Asperger’s Syndrome. His descriptions include an insight and self-reflection that would not be expected when one considers the characteristics of the syndrome. One must remember that while such individuals have considerable difficulty converting their thoughts into speech, there can be a remarkable eloquence when expressing their thoughts and feelings with written language. I have met and corresponded with Gisela and Chris over several years and have no doubt that they have an ‘Asperger marriage’.

The relationship has provided mutual benefits and as Chris has written, ‘I think I could not have found anyone better for me personally’. It is not only fortunate for Gisela and Chris that they met, it is fortunate for others that they are prepared to disclose their intimate feelings and experiences in order to help other couples achieve a successful relationship.

The authors discuss their concerns and particular issues, especially the mutual misinterpretation of actions, or more often, lack of actions. This can be due to not reading or understanding the signals or context, and the tendency for those with Asperger’s Syndrome to do nothing in order to avoid making a mistake or evoke emotions that are confusing. Chris is able to explain how he has achieved progress with his understanding of social situations, but some of his success is undoubtedly attributable to Gisela’s guidance. People with Asperger’s Syndrome tend to be detached individuals, reluctant to take advice and preferring to retreat into solitude when stressed or considering a problem. Chris has gone some way towards changing this aspect of Asperger’s Syndrome and to consider and benefit from Gisela’s thoughts and knowledge. Gisela has also admired his talents, particularly in Information Technology and languages, as well as his determination to make the marriage work and to be a good father to their son. They are better as partners than individuals.

The authors also discuss the changes in mood and the difficulty in expressing and managing emotions that characterise Asperger’s Syndrome. In particular Chris is prone to be melancholy and anxious. He describes his anxiety in social situations and how he feels ‘more than slightly downcast for a majority of the time’. Where once ‘ignorance was bliss’, his insights into being socially clumsy have replaced ignorance with despair and anxiety. As Chris has gradually become more able to read the thoughts and feelings of others, particularly Gisela, and more knowledgeable about what to do in specific situations, Gisela has also become more aware of Chris’s thoughts and feelings and more understanding of why he may respond in a particular way. There has been an emergence of mutual understanding and respect. The knowledge and strategies acquired by Gisela and Chris have strengthened their relationship and this book will help strengthen other relationships.