Loving Mr Spock

Collected by Barbara Jacobs
Can you fall in love with someone who has Asperger’s syndrome? The answer is yes, you can, and many people do, but when you fall in love with that aloof, intelligent, kind and idiosyncratic person, whose behaviours and emotions are confusing, you probably do not know he or she has Asperger’s syndrome. Barbara Jacobs, the author of Loving Mr Spock, is a very successful advice columnist. She is remarkably intuitive and insightful in her ability to read another person’s thoughts and feelings. She knows the social conventions and etiquette and is an expert in social and emotional communication. She is a compassionate, mature and maternal person. These are exactly the characteristics needed and sought by a partner with Asperger’s syndrome. Why is there mutual attraction between someone with Asperger’s syndrome, who has limited social understanding and empathy, and someone with advanced abilities in these areas? The answer becomes apparent as you read Loving Mr Spock.

When Barbara met Danny, she immediately recognised that he was not a typical young man and certainly not her equal in terms of social understanding. She describes him as the kind of man you would not obviously fall for. However, he was the handsome stranger who captivated her heart and released from within her powerful maternal and protective instincts. Barbara and Danny found that they had many interests in common and she initially found his childlike characteristics charming and endearing. Danny found in Barbara his mentor, social interpreter and someone to mother and father him.

The story of their relationship is written in the style of a conversation between the author and the reader as though you are best friends. Barbara discovers Danny’s diagnosis after she fell in love with him, and her journey of exploration, of a parallel universe inhabited by those similar to Mr Spock, who prioritise logic and facts over emotion and intuition, is a fascinating and entrancing story. The reader will become knowledgeable in the nature of Asperger’s syndrome, not only from reading about Barbara’s observations, insight and experiences but also from reading her review of the academic literature and the quotations from other adults with Asperger’s syndrome. She has also conducted a small survey of couples where one partner has Asperger’s syndrome to compare experiences, and provide a list of resources for more information and support.

While Barbara became Danny’s mentor, she needed her own mentor to guide her through the relationship that so dominated her thoughts and emotions. However, she travelled alone, and her travel journal, this book, is a guide that will be valued by those who have travelled, or are about to travel the same path and come to love someone with Asperger’s syndrome.

Those who have Asperger’s syndrome will also value Loving Mr Spock. The story is inspiring in that the person with Asperger’s syndrome may think that there will be no-one outside of his or her family that will love, accept and admire them. Yet such individuals can be extremely attractive to those at the opposite end of the social understanding and empathy continuum. The relationship can be mutually beneficial. However, there are some characteristics of Asperger’s syndrome that can test the understanding and patience of a saint. Barbara has to try to adjust to very different expectations in a relationship. She clearly loves Danny deeply, but can she cope with aspects that bewilder her and challenge her expectations?

Loving Mr Spock is a mystery and adventure story that is fact, not fiction, and similar stories are being experienced everywhere. Barbara is very brave in revealing her inner thoughts and experiences. She has a purpose; to provide a unique insight into the mind of the person she fell in love with - a man who has Asperger’s syndrome. Perhaps you know someone who has fallen in love with a person with Asperger’s syndrome?